Future Child

Dear little one,

Boy or girl? Do I have a preference? Depends when you ask. Today you're a girl. Once, in the past, you were a boy. Tomorrow, I can't say. Depends who the father might be. But generally, no. I don't. Always more of a kid or no kid question. Not a boy or a girl one.

I want you to know that if you read this one day, I chose to have you in my life. Forever. You are not a mistake. You are not an impulsive decision. You are not brought onto this planet carelessly. You must know, I take you very seriously. Your life. Your impact. The meaning of you. For me. For the world.

I want you to know how much thought I've given this. Given you. You will never be my child because society said so. Or because it was the next step. Or because everyone else was doing it. Never. If you read this, it is not because I fear growing old alone. It is not because I tried to fill a void. I can assure you, if you're here, it's because I wanted you. With all my heart. And soul.

Perhaps you are waiting now, as I write this. Impatiently. Please don't think I believe one day I will simply "feel ready". I know I won't. No one can be. But still, please be patient. I have so much to figure out. So much to learn about myself, the life I want. It's not easy to swim against the current. Every day.

Perhaps you think I should just let go. Flow downstream. Follow the beaten path. Then, it might seem easier to welcome you into my life. But no. Believe me. I will keep swimming. And if one day you join me, it will be the most magical life. More beautiful than you can imagine. Because we will be free. And your mother will be happy.

But will you ever see the light of day? Will you ever live to learn and read this letter? I still don't have those answers. Sorry.

And if this letter is to remain unread, I hope you somehow know this... I already love you. So much. This has never been part of the question.

I love you. But sorry if we never meet.